Posted By LambChop
We need to talk. My therapist said I should avoid contacting you during my "cooling off" period, but I can’t squelch letting you know how I really feel. You've let me down, and it can’t be repaired. This is the last time.
The fact that I caught you with those hot Latinos, inviting them to “come in from the shadows” is too much to bear. I can’t compete with their refusal to learn English, their positive TB tests, their suspicion of tap water and inability to work a modern toilet. Sure they are spicy, fun and hardworking. But you cheated on me and you know it.
Then as if the cheating weren’t enough, you had the nerve to ask them to move in. Permanently. Full citizenship. You ignore their evil ways – the drunk driving, stolen social security numbers and constant scamming of welfare benefits – I guess you are seduced by warm tortillas and colorful piñatas.
Where we first met things were wonderful. You could do no wrong. I could swim in your deep brown doe eyes as they scanned the room while you grilled Benghazi witnesses.
I thought we had the same values when you relentlessly pursued the religious violations of the Affordable Care Act, cronyism of TARP, WikiLeaks and abuse in Afghanistan.
You paid attention to me on television and seduced me on Twitter – I felt like I was the only girl in the room. Listening to you drone on in that accentless monotone on CSPAN, I felt like I could curl up and go to sleep knowing the nation was in good hands.
But now, after the betrayal, I am trying to recapture my life and gain a sense of self back. For so long we were together as “Republicans.” But it’s hard to get my own identity back when I don’t belong with you anymore. I have gone through the appropriate stages of anger, remorse, and sadness.
Don’t get me wrong; you really were great. I know you’ll find the right moderate girl, but that just isn’t me right now. I would never want to do anything to hurt you, and I hope we can still be friends.
I'm totally ready to release you from my life. I just started participating in a weekly encounter group – Twitter therapy really does work! Sadly, I found out that I'm not the first girl you've treated this way.
Honey, It’s not you; it’s me.
Love always and forever,
P.S. Hey. I hope this isn't awkward. But I've been thinking about that cute Trey Gowdy - can I get his number from you?