Posted By LambChop
"Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are."
- Anthelme Brillat-Savarin
2013 marked the culmination of the new food stupidity. We found out that the government can hold Christian cake bakers hostage and force them to create a decorative wedding torte for gays. Skittles became a symbol for lynching black children until the public realized that the candy was the main ingredient in an intoxicating thug juice called “purple drank.” Olive oil is the new gang currency in Greece as armed thugs part of criminal syndicates hijacked tanks of oil.
Apparently, maple syrup is as valuable as gold after the revelation that The Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers uncovered the theft of 10 million pounds of maple syrup valued at $30.4 million U.S. Dollars. It was revealed that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches have joined watermelon and fried chicken as foods deemed to be racist. Our FLOTUS decimated the school lunch program serving the kids 1.5 ounce burger patties, whole grain “potato chips,” and black bean sandwiches and declared “water” a food. Big Labor killed the Twinkie. New York Mayor Bloomberg declared war on 16 oz soda on the heels of banning butter, salt and transfats. Ben and Jerry had to sue to protect their ice cream flavor names from turning into porn film titles, Boston Cream Thighs and Peanut Butter D-Cups.
Americans confronted head-on the unspoken reality of human existence –our love affair with food. Meanwhile the powers that be conspire to commandeer our obsession with food – seizing the symbolism, marketing ingredients to us and shoving false nutritional pabulum down our throats masked as scientific fact.
Of late, food trends have become all the rage. Designer foods are thrust upon us by celebrity chefs who cajole us into purchasing and preparing the ingredient du jour. The year 2013 was ripe with many such ingredients and for those of us who self-describe as “foodies,” we will be happy to see many of these trends disappear into the ether where they belong.
Oeufs: Hamburgers, fried rice, salads, pizza and asparagus avec oeufs a cheval. Yep that’s French for slap a fried egg on top. Not just any egg – a duck or quail egg. This trend needs to stop. A hamburger does not need a fried egg - no need to mix chickens and cows. We don’t do it on the ranch, we shouldn’t do it at the dinner table.
Chipotle: First of all what the heck is it? It is ubiquitous in restaurant names and menu descriptions. Chipotle is a basically jalapeno that has been tortured. First it was left on the vine to turn red. Then it was picked, abused and slammed on to metal sheets where it is dried for days. No wonder it tastes bad. It is overused and bitter.
Greek yogurt: Because of marketing, I can no longer even discuss Greek yogurt without picturing washed -up actor John Stamos. I digress. Greek yogurt is a thick type of yogurt that Liberal elitists (translation:old, rich white women) have been slurping down for years– and of course, it comes from Greece, so it must be good. Greek yogurt producers in New York State have tripled sales in less than 5 years because of marketing. In an ironic twist of environmentalist fate, apparently during the making of Greek yogurt, the yogurt MUST be strained and this process leaves a waste by-product called acid or sour whey which is a liquid by-product consisting of water, lactose, protein and yogurt cultures. Modern Farmer reports that whey acid is so environmentally toxic that it is illegal to dump it. Once it gets into the waterways, it kills off most aquatic water life.
Quinoa: Quinoa is a species of goosefoot - a grain crop grown primarily for its edible seeds. It is the new foodie elite’s substitute for rice of pasta. Overrated does not begin to describe this mushy bitter-tasting seed grain. Just give us grits. With cheese.
Kimchi: Question; who would eat sour, rotten, fermented, bacteria-laden cabbage that had been buried for more than a year underground? Answer; food critics. For some reason, this nasty rotten Korean condiment is added to recipes all over the United States and it is a trend that needs to end. Now.
Chicken and Waffles: For a country supposedly obsessed with weight and nutrition, fried chicken with waffles seems like overkill. Maple syrup does not belong anywhere near fried chicken. That special place is reserved only for cream gravy. Eat either waffles, or eat chicken. Separate plates. Period.
The Cronut. I don’t even know what this is except that Buzzfeed picked up some story about a revolutionary new pastry item that idiotic New Yorkers wait in line for every morning. It is a cross between a croissant and a donut. Not sure how the baker got them to mate, but I’m sure there’s an interesting story.
Smears: Enough already. Smears are sauces, dressings, jams that are literally smeared on the plate to give the dish an “artistic” plate presentation. If the sauce is good enough, I want more than a smear. If it does not belong as an accompaniment to the dish, it should be eliminated.
Celebrity chefs with their cartoon-like images collaborate against an unsuspecting public to sell their latest wares – cookbooks, pots and pans. And those of us foodies follow in lock- step, fearing we are not good enough if we forget and pile 1990s shrimp and grits on the plate instead of hand- polished Israeli Pearl Couscous with preserved lemon and cracked pepper. Damn. I am starting to feel bad about myself again.