Beck Promotes Smackdown Between 'Lone Survivor' Film Reviewer & Marcus Luttrell

Posted By LambChop

Amy's Duckface

Glenn Beck has gone righteous again. And I agree with him. Some silly bimbo with LA Weekly who is probably just old enough to be off of her parents’ health insurance policy wrote an inane review of the film, 'Lone Survivor'. She has obviously never read the powerful account of a mission gone wrong or met Marcus Luttrell, the Navy SEAL who survived to tell the real life story. Beck discussed the movie review that appeared in some rag called LA Weekly and invited Miss Nicholson (the snarky, talentless author of the review) to sit down with Marcus Luttrell and defend her piece.

Here is the unedited version of the first half of her "film review":

Here's a movie that'll flop in Kabul. Lone Survivor, the latest by Battleship director Peter Berg, is a jingoistic snuff film about a Navy SEAL squadron outgunned by the Taliban in the mountainous Kunar province. After four soldiers — played with muscles and machismo by Mark Wahlberg, Taylor Kitsch, Emile Hirsch and Ben Foster — get ID'd by Afghan goat herders, they're in a race to climb to the top of the nearest summit and summon an airlift before these civilians can sprint to the nearest village and alert local leader Ahmad Shah. It doesn't go well.

Berg's flick bleeds blood red, bone-fracture white, and bruise blue. It's based on the memoir Lone Survivor: The Eyewitness Account of Operation Redwing and the Lost Heroes of SEAL Team 10 by sole evacuee Marcus Luttrell (played by Wahlberg) — and that's only a spoiler if you've ignored the title. Luttrell didn't exactly write his book. Rather than sitting in front of a word processor, he was back in action in Iraq. Instead, the United States Navy hired British novelist Patrick Robinson, who, among other embellishments, upped the number of enemy Taliban fighters from 10 to 200. Hey, whatever, man. Those aliens in Battleship weren't real, either.

Lone Survivor's problems are more complex than its Rambo-esque exuberance for machine-gun fire. The near-wordless second half is a deadly dubstep of bullets and snare drums punctuated with the occasional curse. Here's 90 seconds of dialogue transcribed in its entirety: "Goddamn, this sucks!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck!" "Damn, fucking burns!" This doesn't help advance the plot, which can pretty much be summed up as: Don't die. And the film actually gets worse when the guys open their mouths.

One can only imagine Nicholson, too plain to get a television gig, chugging her non-fat latte at her Lenovo laptop that her parents bought her for Christmas two years ago, dreaming of the day she will be followed around by the paparazzi like Khloe Kardashian.

Alas, like so many of these ignorant Carrie Bradshaws, Nicholson took to twitter to defend her ridiculous review and pour on some more snark.

Glenn Beck listeners: My review calls the SEALS heroes. My problems were with the director, not Luttrell: http://t.co/QgtG1Wie1u
— Amy Nicholson (@TheAmyNicholson) January 15, 2014

Since Glenn Beck can't grasp that my review attacked a movie, not the troops, who wants to read it to him? Very slowly, so he'll comprehend.
— Amy Nicholson (@TheAmyNicholson) January 17, 2014

Too bad Beck gave this cartoon version of Bill Maher (without the writers, the edge or the very small penis) her 15 minutes of fame. It is undeserved.